✨ Lament — When Hope Meets Hopelessness

14/11/2025

Lord, when I am in ministry, hope rises within me like a quiet, steady river. It does not overwhelm me, but it fills me to overflowing. In those moments I remember that nothing is beyond You—no wound, no story, no darkness, no human heart. Your hope is alive. It breathes. It moves. It lifts.

But when I encounter the other lot—when I run into a demon or the weight of spiritual darkness—hope disappears instantly. I feel it get packed away, shut down, swallowed. The contrast is absolute and terrifying. I realise that understanding the depths of this mystery is beyond me in my finite humanity. Yet it is not beyond You. You understand what I cannot. You are not shaken by what overwhelms me.

Slowly, Jesus, I am beginning to see that You Yourself are my hope. Hope isn’t something I generate—it’s something You are. Eternal. Bottomless. Always present. When I lean into You, when I go deeper into Your heart, I find that nothing can cut me off from the source.

Teach me to live from that place always.
Let Your hope fill me, steady me, anchor me.
And let my life become Your hands and feet, reaching out to those who feel overwhelmed by their own darkness.

Amen.

Reflection — Hope That Cannot Be Taken

There is a profound difference between human hope and God’s hope. Human hope trembles; God’s hope stands. Human hope fluctuates; God’s hope flows like a river that never dries up. In ministry, when we move in God’s presence, we touch something eternal—and that hope spills over us and through us.

But spiritual darkness tries to cut off that flow. It cannot destroy God’s hope, but it can try to obscure it, silence it, or shut down our awareness of it. The shock of that emptiness is real. Yet the deeper truth is this: the enemy can remove our feeling of hope, but never the reality of hope.

God Himself is the well that never runs dry.
The more we lean into Jesus, the more we find that hope is not something we lose—it is Someone who holds us. And from that security, God sends us out to lift others who are still struggling in their own shadows.

Scripture — Romans 15:13 (GNT)

“May God, the source of hope, fill you with all joy and peace by means of your faith in him, so that your hope will continue to grow by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

A Prayer for the Ignorant

My loving Heavenly Father,

I commend to You all who are ignorant — those whose wounds, struggles, and burdens have clouded understanding.

You alone know every heart. Nothing is hidden from You.

Where ignorance causes harm — especially to the broken, the weary, and those carrying deep pain —

I ask for Your healing. Open them to Your truth. Let Your presence and Your love draw near.

May the prayers of Heaven rise on their behalf. Mend with Your truth. Restore with Your grace. Pour out healing, love, wisdom, and mercy upon all who are struggling to see.

In the name of my most holy, most wonderful, and most loving Spouse — Jesus Christ.

Amen.

Introduction – A Prayer for the Ignorant

There are many in the world who carry wounds, burdens, and blindness to truth without fully realizing it. Sometimes ignorance is innocent; sometimes it causes pain. In this prayer, I bring before God all who struggle with understanding, all who unintentionally harm themselves or others, and all who need the gentle touch of His truth and love.
It is a prayer not for judgment, but for healing, mercy, and the revelation of His light

Reflection

In offering this prayer, we are reminded that ignorance is not always willful; it can be a shadow over the heart, a weight we cannot see or easily lift. Yet God’s light reaches even the darkest corners, and His love is patient, tender, and unrelenting. By lifting others before Him, we participate in His work of healing and restoration — not by condemning, but by inviting truth, mercy, and grace to take root. In praying for the ignorant, we acknowledge that we are all in need of His guidance, and we open our own hearts to receive His wisdom alongside those for whom we intercede.

Scripture:

"The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge, for the ears of the wise seek it out." — Proverbs 18:15

Meditation Prompt:

Take a few moments to breathe deeply and silently offer those who are struggling with ignorance to God. Imagine His light gently touching their hearts, softening what is hardened, and opening what has been closed.
Reflect onyour own journey toward understanding and mercy, and ask God to guide both yourself and others into greater truth, compassion, and healing.

Encounter with God: The Gift of Leadership

I remember one day I argued with God about the gift He had given me—my leadership.

I told Him He was wrong to give me this gift and that I was going to prove it.

He laughed. Not in mockery, but in that loving, patient way only He can.

And He said,

"Go ahead. You know you’re wrong."

He was right. As He always is.

Reflection – Trusting the Gifts He Gives

How often do we resist the gifts God places within us?

How often do we try to argue, fight, or prove Him wrong,
as if our understanding could surpass His?

Yet His response is always patient, sometimes gentle, sometimes filled with quiet humour, reminding us that the gifts He gives are not mistakes.

Leadership, like every gift, is not about proving ourselves, but about trusting Him.

Even when we stumble, even when we doubt, God already sees the path we cannot yet see.

My Gender

My Heavenly Father,

In growing up male when I am really your daughter.

What did I do wrong to deserve this? Every time I see a girl I get jealous that I cannot look like that.

Those around me seem intent on putting me into their box labelled male. 

Everything in me screams and constantly cries out, ‘I am a girl’. I cannot escape these feelings or this voice. It is constant and getting louder. 

My mind is a war zone such are the feelings and emotions I experience. This is something I feel I will never be able to escape from. 

Everywhere I look all I see is what I feel I cannot or ever be. This feels like a torment beyond belief. It is constant it is in my very inner being. There is no living life in this place, I only exist here. 

It feels like no one seems to understand the torment present or the constancy, the sheer intensity of this. 

The ignorant attempt to make this journey impossible at times. I want to rise up and crush them in their ignorance, to smite them. Why do they do this? Why do they refuse to understand your love?

Why do I have to be male when I am your daughter? What did I do wrong to deserve this?

In reality nothing, it just happened. 

However that is not your way. Yours is the way of love, patience, understanding, healing and forgiveness.

I thank you, that you do understand this. That I am your daughter. That you love me with all I am. That you dwell within me, with what has happened not what might or should have been.

Matthew lament

My Heavenly Father,

I wonder did I do anything wrong with my brother Matthew and his death in utero? Why did we not grow up together? Why did he have to die and I live? Where were you in this?

I miss him so much. It feels like a part of me is missing when he is not here. Something in me died when he died. 

I feel abandoned, guilty and responsible for him not being here. I feel all alone without him. Like it’s my role in life to be abandoned, alone and solely responsible. I feel like neither you, myself or anyone can be trusted because of his death. 

I feel like if I let anyone get close to me, then it’s when this will happen again. Even with you and me there are times when I feel this. 

Your love and truth however does not escape the deepest wounds for nothing is beyond you. You see and know everything  

I thank you that nothing is beyond you.

My Adoption

My Heavenly Father,

Ever since I was young I have known I was adopted. I never understood why me. Why was I adopted? Did I do something wrong to deserve this? Am I at fault here?

At times I have felt the reason it happened was because I didn’t speak up before I was conceived. 

Matthews death compounded the issues here. 

The words spoken to my mother were careless, ill thought out and reactive. Never about my mother or me. It feels like I was punished for existing here, when I had no say in that. 

At times it has feels like I have been spoken at, and have never been spoken to. It has also felt like that I was never heard. At times never listen to either. In growing up with this, I got used to this happening. 

As a result I have to justify everything I say, do and think. 

It feels like I will never be heard or understood. 

But you my Father, you do know, understand and love me. You know my heart and my innermost thoughts. You know what I am going to say even before I say or think it. 

Your love and understanding are beyond me. Your ways are far above my own. You continue to heal me, set me free from my past. 

Father thank you for loving me and being there for me. 

Unbelief

My loving Heavenly Father,

Tonight you showed me that unbelief sours the good fruit you wish to produce in me.

Why does unbelief persist when your love satisfies all our needs. Over time the sourness turns the fruit rotten. Why does this persist in me? 

Even then you can use this. You show me with this taste, you can challenge me to believe. You desire healing and wholeness here for me my love.

The danger with unbelief is that it can become systemic if it is not rooted out. Thank you for showing me this my love.

Love, fidelity and faithfulness are your ways my love. 

Before you and you alone have I sinned. You know me, my sins are always before you. I cannot hide from you. Nothing escapes you. 

You alone are holy, mighty, loving and always forgiving. Mercy is your way my love. Your mercy is wonderful and holy, as you are holy and mighty. 

I thankyou for your patience with me, my holy lover. You want only the best for me my love. 

The waking dream

Whilst praying I received a dream that led me to write the above lament. 

I saw myself holding what appeared to be a peach. I bit into it. The taste was sour. I immediately knew the sour taste was due to unbelief. 

God used this sour taste to teach me. The Holy Spirit showed me unbelief sours the fruits of the trees in the garden of one’s heart. 

I also saw an outline (x-ray) of a tree and its circulatory system. I saw and knew the unbelief was systemic in this tree. If it continues it will eventually turn the fruit rotten. 

Only the divine healer/gardener can heal this. This must be done through prayer and the sacraments. 

Sexual abuse 

My Heavenly Father,

Why do you allow your priests to abuse those under and around them? Not only that but the church to down play, then cover it up and deny it happened?

The people who do this are meant to be consecrated to your service. The church at times has taught that it is beyond reproach here. At times they seem to go out of their way to deny and cover this up. 

They have to be dragged kicking and screaming here to even admit something happened. Even then, still in denial about this. 

This wears the victims down, pollutes and poisons the church’s mission here. It violates the sacred vows taken by those who are meant to be consecrated to your service. 

It feels like they treat their vows with contempt before you. 

This drives people away from the church it sows doubt, unbelief, anger resentment etc in the hearts of all affected by this. 

Your way is love and fidelity. You do not like secrets. As it says in scripture nothing is hidden from you. Everything is seen and known by you. 

I pray for the illumination of conscious’ here. I pray healing for the victims and all affected by this. 

I commend this blight to your healing grace now in Jesus holy name. 

Bullying

My Heavenly Father,

To the bully’s in my past. What did I ever do to you? It was always about you. At times I wished I never lived. Your selfish self interested ways made my life miserable at times. 

Why did you taken your issues out on me?

Why is this my problem? 

You are the ones with the issues. I wish I never knew some of you. 

The burdens you placed on me were at times unbearable, heavy and toxic. 

It left me feeling alone, guilty abandoned like this was my fault. At times I expected to be bullied and felt like I somehow deserved it. 

I’ve projected this need onto others around me. 

Where was God in this for you, then and now? 

You were always at my side. 

Father I trust all to you. I invite you into all involved here, into all the pain, issues and lies here. 

Your ways are holy, mighty, your timing is always right and holy

Grief

My loving Heavenly Father,

The grief I have experienced has compounded my issues. The weight of this has been unbearable. My soul is crushed beneath this weight. 

The burden and guilt is too much for me. Where have you been? I have felt so alone. Solely responsible for this. I feel so guilty and responsible when my brother died. At times I wished I never existed. I feel like my existence  was a mistake. Somehow this is my fault and burden alone to bear.  I fear when this will happen again. 

When I was bullied I feel like this was my burden and I was getting what I deserved. 

I am unjust towards myself and cannot help myself in the way I treat myself over this. 

I need your help to hand this over and leave it with you. 

These are not your ways. You are a God of love, mercy patience, healing and forgiveness. You have walked this road with me. You carry me through this. I am safe, love and known in you. Nothing escapes you my love. 

Father thank you, for when I grieve you grieve with me, my loss is your loss.  You know me and all I need. Your timing is always perfect. 

These are not your ways. You are a God of love, mercy patience, healing and forgiveness. You have walked this road with me. You carry me through this. I am safe, love and known in you. Nothing escapes you my love. 

Father thank you, for when I grieve you grieve with me, my loss is your loss.  You know me and all I need. Your timing is always perfect. 

Self Hatred

My loving Heavenly Father,

At times all I seem to do is hate myself. From sincerely wishing I never existed, to actually wanting my eternal soul destroyed and asking you to do exactly that. 

This is something I seem to hold into. You keep confronting me with the totality and depth of your love for me. It feels like something I simply do not understand. At times I suspect and believe, that I am unlovable and unworthy of your love. 

However you keep loving me, you can’t, won’t and don’t ever give up on me. It is not in your nature to give up on those who are yours. This apparently includes me. 

You see everything clearly, nothing is hidden from you. 

Your love for me is eternal. Jesus your son died for me because you first loved me. You knew and loved me before I was conceived. You have a plan for my life then and now. 

I ask you for forgiveness, for my self hatred and the way I see and treat my self before you. 

Thank you for not giving up on me, for always being there for me. 

I trust my self to my most holy spouse Jesus. 

I ask you for forgiveness, for my self hatred and the way I see and treat my self before you. 

Thank you for not giving up on me, for always being there for me. 

I trust my self to my most holy spouse Jesus. 

Self worth

My loving and caring Heavenly Father,

At times I wonder why do you bother with me?  I feel utterly worthless, that I have no value or importance. I would not be missed if I were to die. 

I feel that your time would be better spent elsewhere caring for someone else rather than me. 

You confront me by telling me that I and my prayers are important, that others in heaven wait on my prayers. 

That you look forward to them, you enjoy them. You miss them when I don’t pray. 

At times, I struggle and doubt you when you tell me that I and my prayers are valued and important. That others in heaven wait on them. 

You don’t give up on me. Love is your way. I cannot understand the depth of your love, patience and care for me. 

You are always there for me. You know me like no one else does. You knitted my soul together with your loving tenderness, kindness and care. You told me when you knitted my soul together, ‘I knew you were a keeper.’ 

Mother Mary, thank you for being there for me. 

My Heavenly Father and Jesus my most wonderful, loving and patient spouse, thank you for loving me and not giving up on me. 

Relection on the above article 

What you’ve written feels like a sacred lament—a prayer wrapped in vulnerability, longing, and the quiet ache of being seen. It holds the tension between despair and divine tenderness with such grace. The way you’ve woven theological intimacy with emotional honesty—especially the image of being “knitted together” and declared “a keeper”—is profoundly healing.

Here are a few reflections and invitations, if you’re open to deepening or shaping this into a resource:

•    Divine attunement: The idea that heaven waits on your prayers could become a metaphor for sacred reciprocity—your voice as a tuning fork for divine resonance.

•    Spiritual worthiness vs. emotional invisibility: This tension could be unpacked in a  ritual that helps name the parts that feel unworthy, and then respond with affirming truths.

•    Mother Mary as co-regulator: Her presence here feels gentle and grounding. Perhaps she could be invoked in a ritual for emotional containment or spiritual re-parenting?

Language That Resonates

•    “Love is your way” could become a mantra or breath prayer.

•    “You knitted my soul together” evokes Psalm 139 but with a tender, almost maternal twist—perhaps a reimagining of divine craftsmanship as relational rather than mechanical.

Kind regards, 

David 

Neglect

My loving Heavenly Father, 

Thank you for when you made me you knew I was worth it, a keeper, and loveable.

However I feel let down, abandoned, alone, like it s all my fault and that I am not worth it. I feel not getting help and support was somehow my fault, that I did something wrong to deserve this.

I feel like I have to do and earn things on my own. I am so used to doing it alone and having to do things  on my own. 

I also feel that I have gotten used to being around anger and angry people. I feel abused, threatened, let down , fearful and abandoned, on my own. It feels like there is no one to help me, I have to do this on my own, like there is, and never will be anyone to walk with me or to help me. 

The bullying, abandonment, and feeling sad. Telling myself that I am better off dead, no one will miss me. I somehow deserve this, it’s all I am good for. Some may even be glad to see me dead.

I wonder what did I do to deserve this? Why am I at fault here? Where are you in this?

I need your help, love, truth, presence and healing here. I cannot do this on my own. It is too much for me. Jesus my holy spouse I invite you into all this.  

The depth of your love is unfathomable there is no bottom to it. 

Then I remember what you told me, ‘When I made you, I knew you were a keeper’.
The favour, ‘The Prayer of union’ I felt those years ago, where I can be and am secure in your love for me. 

I thank you that in your eyes I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am loved beyond any understanding that I can have. That I am valued and important in your eyes. That I am the apple to your eye. 

Thank you that I am known to you, gifted by you.  That you can and do use me to reach others. That you will never give up on me.  

Father thank you for loving me as your daughter. 

My Sister

My Heavenly Father,

To my sister. What did I ever do to you? Why do you take your jealous envy out on me?

Your jealously has ruined our relationship. 

I no longer want to be around you. I dread the thought of you coming to visit me. I want to get away from you even before you come. 

Your spitefulness has caused me nothing but pain, confusion and anger.  All I want to do is strike back and hurt you the way you have hurt me. 

These thoughts and feelings try to dominate me at times. 

Seeing you slowly kill yourself with addiction is frightening and scary. Knowing it will kill you, is something I can no longer watch or put up with. 

Your self righteous attitude drives me away from you. You seem only to care for yourself and no one else. 

Know that is not how God sees you. How I long that you would come to know your heavenly father’s love for you. How he dotes over you as the apple of his eye. The depth of his love for you is something none of us can fathom or understand. 

I release you to his love and care. I can no longer do this. You and the consequences of your choices are now between you and him. 

I pray that you come to know Jesus’ love for you.

Contempt

My loving Heavenly Father,

I have been treating myself and all you have given me with utter contempt. 

I see myself as nothing but contemptible, I treat myself with derision. 

I see myself as utterly worthless and of no value to anyone. 

When you discipline me I see it as my job to beat myself up. No one can be harder on myself than me. I believe it is my job to beat myself up. 

You once told me, ‘My son died for you, if I don’t judge you, what gives you the right to judge yourself?’ 

I show myself no love or mercy. It is likely I believe I am unworthy of this. 

Your name is love and mercy itself. You constantly show me how much you love me. Your love is something I simply cannot understand.

It is not in your nature to give up on those who are your own. 

You have told me that I have a place in Heaven when I come home. 

I ask your healing here, your love, your truth, your grace and presence.

Thank you for not giving up on me. 

I offer this for others who have issues here. Those who struggle to believe that you love them, that they have a place with and in you, and that Jesus died for them.

Indifference 

My loving Heavenly Father,

Why do you care about me? I feel no one else does. I don’t even care about myself.

I feel my existence is nothing but a gigantic mistake. I feel utterly worthless, unimportant, overlooked, not worth it, meaningless and uncared for. I feel this is my lot in life. 

Why do I get to live when Matthew died? 

You confront me by saying I am worth it, I am valuable. My prayers are important, valuable and necessary. You miss them when I don’t pray. 

Why would you gift someone like me with the gifts that you have? Not only gift me but expect me to use them the way that you do? 

You miss nothing, every detail, every thought and idea of my miserable life is known to you. 

You love me more than I love my self, more than I am capable of. 

Every where around me, you confront me with the truth of your love for me. I am reminded that your son died for me, because you because you first loved me.

My prayers are valuable to you, you remind me when I don’t pray. Your love is something that is beyond me. I simply don’t understand how or why you love me the way that you do. 

Father, thank you for your love, presence and healing in my life. Thank you for putting up and persisting with someone like me. For not giving up when I have all but given up on my self. 

Abandonment

My loving Heavenly Father,

Why do I feel so responsible for being abandoned? What did I do wrong? This is always the question that comes up I me.

I saw you holding me as a new born baby protecting me. Thank you father for being there for me. 

There are parts of me that still believe that I am somehow responsible here. 

I am quick to blame myself. It has always felt like my fault. 

Whether it’s Matthews death, what happened before my adoption when I was sick in the hospital as a baby, the bullying, or my disabilities, and anything else that happened. I always seem to blame myself. 

Father I ask you to come into all these areas. I commend all this to your loving, healing grace, presence and truth. 

I ask for the grace to completely release myself and all the issues to you. In Jesus’ holy name I renounce all self judgements, I break their power now in Jesus holy name. I commend all this to his holy cross. 

I thank you my most holy spouse for first loving me. 

I offer this for others suffering similar wounds, I pray for their complete healing in Jesus holy name. 

Gods love

My Heavenly Father,

As I sit here pondering your love for me. I am beginning to understand that it is something that is thoroughly beyond me. 

You love me in a way that I am not used to. Your love is total and all encompassing. You separate my sin and me, you see only the good. All the good in me comes from you and only you. 

I often wonder why and how you love me. The answer is you are love, it is simply you being you. 

Your love is so confronting, so deep, so total, so complete, you only want the best for me. 

My indifference has been a constant problem for me. Your warnings were given because you love me, value me, and my prayers. You look forward to them, you and others in heaven wait on them. 

You constantly want and see only the best for me, even when I am at my worst, you are there for me. 

You let me know when I cross my boundaries, you challenge me, convict me when I go wrong. Again it is because you love me. 

All my pain you feel it with me. When things happen and go wrong you are there with and for me, because you love me. 

When you speak to me, your words are always what I need to hear. They stay with me, they take root in me. They are well placed, they teach and guide me. I can always draw on them. 

I can be my self because you have told, taught and shown me. I can be myself in you. 

Father thankyou for loving me in all I am and can be in you.

Not being asked

My loving Heavenly Father,

When I grew there were times when I was not asked if I wanted to give something away. It was done without including me in the process. 

This made me feel like my life was out of my control. Decisions were made without including or asking me what I wanted or needed. 

I felt immensely disrespected, ignored, unheard and unloved. Like my opinions don’t matter and I shouldn’t have an opinion. That’s others knew more than me. 

My Father you always want the best for me. You do hear and respect my opinions and choices. 

Thank you that I do matter to you. That my opinions and choices do matter to you. 

You always have my best interest heart, even when my pride gets in the way. You gently call me back by name. 

Father, thank you for knowing and loving and not giving up on me. 

I give you permission to continue healing and working with me. 

Anger

My loving Heavenly Father,

I trust the emotion of anger to you. 

I grew up with an angry father, he was unpredictable at times. I was scared of my father. I never knew when his anger would come out or where it would take him. 

From what I understand I have transferred this expectation to you. I have gotten so used to being around anger. 

At times I project this anger onto you and into our relationship. 

I expect you to be angry with you me. 

However, this is not your way. You are rich in mercy and slow to anger. 

Father thank you for your patience, mercy and your unfathomable love for me. 

I trust this to you, and ask that you come into this with your healing love, patience and mercy.

Hiding from God

My loving Heavenly Father,

Why do people think they can hide from you? It is foolish to think we can hide anything from you. 

To you darkness is the same as daylight. Everything is known to you. You know what we are thinking even before we think it. 

There are souls in purgatory because, they thought they can hide from you. 

They foolishly believed the enemy when they said, ‘go ahead do it, he won’t see it’.

Why do we listen to these lies?  Foolishness, utter foolishness. 

You use the enemy to thresh out the wheat from the chaff in us. You separate the holy from the unholy. The unholy is burned in the everlasting fire that never goes out. 

Your love and mercy are eternal, they never fade. You will never reject a repentant heart. 

Father thankyou for your eternal love, patience and mercy. I pray that I will be open to your revelation, mercy and forgiveness. 

I pray this in Jesus’ holy name. 

Arguing with God

My loving Heavenly Father,

I wonder why do you put up with me when I argue with you? It is because you love me and have a plan for my life. 

Your love for me is so deep, thorough and complete that you always want the best for me. 

When I am in pain, you feel my pain, you want so much to help me. You always wait for me to come to you. I ask for the grace to humbly come to you, to chose to bring you into the conversation with me. 

With my trust issues, you forced the issue with me, you knew what was needed. Your love is so great. Thankyou for being there for me. 

I feel that my arguing is out of fear, shame, abandonment, grief and pain, it creates contempt in me, contempt of all you have given me, including my very life. 

You want the best for me, you know how to get the best out of me 

You stand up to me because you love me. Thank you for standing up to me. 

Being neglected has left me feeling like it’s all my fault, I deserve this, it’s my lot in life. You challenge me to forgive my self and let go. You do this because you love me and want me to be free in you. 

You constantly show, tell and demonstrate your eternal love for me. 

Why do I continue to argue with you? It feels like I constantly want to do this on my own. 

Why am I afraid of your love? Why do I do things in my own strength?

Father I pray for the grace to trust in your love, presence and truth for me. I give you permission to continue healing me. 

Thank you for not giving up on me.

Self Harm

My loving, caring Heavenly Father,

Why do I feel like I need to harm myself? 

It feels like I need cause myself pain, either by cutting or picking at my skin. It feels like I need to do this. I feel better when I do this. Why do I do things like this?

I have issues with caring for myself. When you warn or correct me, I have always found a way to punish and judge myself. I have a tendency to be cruel, unforgiving and merciless towards myself. These are not of you. 

You are a God of mercy, love, patience and forgiveness. 

It feels like I don’t know how to forgive and/or release myself. 

Thank you for challenging me here as well. 

I need your help here, I am so used to acting this way towards myself. 

I have treated my life with contempt because of the way I treat my self. 

Father I trust this to your healing, I give you permission to heal me here. I trust all that lies behind this to you. 

Claustrophobia 

My loving Heavenly Father,

I wonder why do I feel trapped and hemmed in? At times it feels like I can’t escape. 

When this happens my anxiety gets unmanageable. 

At times I can’t handle unpredictably, I need certainty in things. 

I also can feel things around me can be unsafe. I am always on the lookout for my personal safety. 

It has felt like my body has been trying to tell me something is going on. I don’t like not knowing. I fear being out of control.

I have been let down, bullied, shafted, ignored and left out of things. 

You are a God who loves, adores and dotes over me. You always want the best for me. You constantly challenge and call me on. Your love for me is a wonderful constant. 

Father I trust my fears, anxieties and trust issues to your healing grace, presence, truth and love. I give you permission to come in and continue, deepen and bring to fruition the good work you have started in me. 

Not being heard

My loving Heavenly Father,

There has been times when it feels like I have never been asked for my opinion. Never included in conversations pertaining to me. 

I have felt ignored, overlooked and deliberately left out of things. 

Some people have gone behind my back. 

It feels like I need to justify myself to have my opinion heard and validated. 

There have been times with you where I fear this may or has happened. 

However that is not you. You have always loved and respected me. 

You always know what is going on with me, even when I don’t know or am unaware. You value me and my opinions. You look forward to my prayers. You challenge me when I don’t pray. Thank you for doing this. 

You love and care for me. When I am in pain you feel it. When I grieve you grieve with me. My loss is your loss. 

Thank you for hearing, loving and being there for me. 

I give you permission to continue healing me here. 

Shame

My loving heavenly Father,

There have been times when all I have known and felt is shame. Shame about myself. The first time I felt this was when I was around twelve years old.  I was trying to build myself a male identity, Stacy came out, stood up and stated, ‘What are you doing, I’m already here’. 

The internal war and lack of understanding about what was going on, led me to feel ashamed of myself. Shame that I couldn’t be a male the way I thought I was meant to be. 

In later years it led me to feel like I needed to feel and be ashamed of myself because I got so used to feeling these feelings and emotions. 

Father thank you that you are not ashamed of me. You love me with a love that is beyond me. 

Your love is so deep, everlasting and eternal. You will never stop loving me. 

I trust this to your healing grace, truth and presence. 

I offer this up for all who find themselves on this road and who have to deal with these issues. 

In Jesus holy name I commend all this to you my most wonderful, most loving, most patient spouse. 

Self-Judgement

My loving and caring Heavenly Father,

The issue of self-judgement is something that I have long struggled with. I believe it grieves you when I do this.
You once told me, “My Son died on the cross for you. If I don’t judge you, what gives you the right to judge yourself?”
I feel I cannot help myself here. I am so used to being criticised, judged, condemned, put down, and at times ignored.

There have been times when I feel things like this are deserved — that I am getting what I deserve.
However, that is not your way. Your way is love, mercy, and forgiveness.
Jesus died for me, not to condemn me but because you first loved me.

I release this issue and all that feeds into it now.
I nail it to Jesus’ holy cross.
Father, I pray for the grace of self-forgiveness.
I invoke the intercessors’ prayers in heaven, praying for this in the name of Jesus, my most holy spouse.

Amen.

Reflection – The Mirror of Mercy

Self-judgement is one of the deepest wounds of the heart — a wound that turns our gaze inward in shame rather than upward in trust.
When we condemn ourselves, we stand in a place that even God refuses to occupy. The Father’s words remind us that judgement belongs to Him alone, and in Christ, His judgement has already been mercy.

Learning to forgive oneself is learning to look at one’s life through the mirror of divine compassion —
a mirror that does not distort, but heals.
Each act of self-mercy allows God’s love to flow where once there was accusation.

Scripture

“There is no condemnation now for those who live in union with Christ Jesus.”
— Romans 8:1 (GNT)

Rejection

My loving Heavenly Father,

At times I have felt so alone, abandoned and rejected. 

I feel like it’s all my fault, that somehow I am getting what I deserve. 

I am so used to people going behind my back. I have been back stabbed, shafted, left out, excluded, lied to and lied about. 

I was once told some people go out of their way to avoid me. 

That is not your way. You are a God of love, patience, understanding. Your timing is always right. When you confront and convict me you do so out of love for me. You will never go behind my back. 

You always have my best interest at heart. You constantly want the best for me. 

Everything is known to you. Nothing escapes you. 

Your grace, truth, love and presence are what I need. 

Father I give you permission to come into this and heal this in me. I offer this to you so you can heal others here. 

I ask for the grace to forgive both myself and others, to forgive as you have forgiven me. 

To Jesus my most loving, most patient and most wonderful spouse thank you for loving, healing and being there for 

Feeling Ugly

My loving Heavenly Father,

At times I feel so ugly and unseen. I cannot express my self the way I have always felt, that I am your daughter. 

I feel like my body constantly betrays me. That I will never been seen as your daughter. 

I feel ugly, unlovable and unseen. Do you see me at all? 

Will I constantly have to hide my self from you? 

Do you love me as others see me or as I know I am inside this shell of a body that betrays me?

You tell me that you love and understand

You died for me because you first loved me. 

You know and understand all of me. You know my pain, struggles and issues. 

Your love is eternal, you will never abandon me or give up on me. 

Father, thank you that you do understand and love me. That you have a plan for my life. 

I commend this all to you. I pray others here will know you love, truth and understanding for them. 

In Jesus holy name. 

The Misused Bilge Pipes

(Reflection: The Restoration of Flow)

My Loving Heavenly Faithful Father,

You showed me the bilge pipes that run through the heart of my ship — the quiet systems meant to cleanse and carry away the waste of living. You told me they were made for release, not for storage. Yet I have used them wrongly.
I have let the drains of my soul become channels for resentment, self-pity, and pride.

What was meant for cleansing has turned inward. The water is stale. The air is heavy. I have been circulating what should have been surrendered. I see now how easily prayer can become complaint, how tears can become self-focus, how healing can turn to control.

I no longer want this, Lord. I open the valves to You.

Take back the systems You designed within me. Flush out what has poisoned the flow. Let the living water of Your Spirit run freely again through every hidden pipe and chamber of my being. Restore the purpose of my soul: to cleanse, to refresh, and to carry Your life wherever You send me.

Amen.

Reflection – The Restoration of Flow

When the bilge pipes of a ship are used for the wrong purpose, the vessel becomes corrupted from within. What was meant to drain away filth begins to circulate it. So it is with the soul when divine systems of cleansing are misused — when forgiveness becomes control, or prayer becomes self-focus.

But the Captain never abandons His vessel. When we surrender the flow back to Him, He restores purity and balance. The channels are cleared, the ship regains her buoyancy, and the living water once more fills her depths with light and life.

“Create a pure heart in me, O God, and put a new and loyal spirit in me.”

— Psalm 51:10 (GNT)

Jealousy 

My loving my Caring Heavenly Father,

I bring to you the emotion of jealously. It is something I have struggled with and been on the receiving end of. 

My sister has always been jealous of me. I had to choose to walk away from our relationship because of it. 

My sister stated she is jealous because I was raised differently as a male to her. Does she feel like she is male? Or is it another issue? I don’t understand this in her. I don’t even see myself as a male. This only adds to my confusion with her. 

My gender issues have not helped me either. One way I experience this is when I see women with long hair. I feel jealous when their hair appears to grow longer and mine does not. I wonder, does this happen with me only and not them?

I trust all of this to you my most wonderful, most loving, most holy spouse. I ask and invite you into all of this with your truth, presence and healing grace. 

Your daughter and spouse. 

Scholastica. 

Trauma

My loving and patient Heavenly Father,

You did not make me for trauma. You knitted my soul together because you first loved me. 

All the gifts I have you gave them to me. You did this because of your mighty love.

I trust to you the wreckage of my past. The trauma I have experienced has been devastating for me. 

I have serious issues trusting anyone including you. I push you and others away. I have felt guilty for existing. Yet you persist in loving me. 

At times I simply don’t understand your love for me. 

I have trouble getting past my self here. Letting go and trusting you who is love and is mercy itself. 

Father I trust my miserable, broken and fractured self to you. I give you permission to come in, heal, and continue the wonderful good work you have begun in me. 

In the name of my most holy spouse Jesus. 

Your daughter 

Stacy.

Reflection – The Place Where Healing Begins

Trauma fractures the soul and distorts our sense of safety, even in God’s presence. It tells us lies — that we are unworthy of love, that the pain is our fault, that healing will never come. Yet, in the stillness after the storm, God remains.

The Father does not recoil from our brokenness; He leans in closer. His hands that shaped our being in love still reach toward the shattered parts, longing to restore them. Healing begins when we dare to let Him see what we most want to hide —when we whisper through tears, “I give you permission.”

Every moment of trust, however small, becomes a seed of renewal. Over time, love will rewrite what trauma once destroyed. The Father’s patience is infinite; His tenderness, unrelenting. In Him, even the deepest wounds can become places of divine encounter.

“He heals the broken-hearted and bandages their wounds.”

— Psalm 147:3 (GNT)

Disconnected Thoughts

This lament reflects my lifelong journey of reconciling the gendered parts of myself through God’s patient love and healing truth.

Prayer / Reflection:
Ever since I was young, I have always felt uncomfortable trying to live as a male.
When puberty hit, my desires started with wanting my own breasts. I also got jealous of girls when I saw long hair—it intensified when I saw curly hair, especially when it was long and curly.

My teenage years were extremely mixed: bullying at home and school, an angry parent, and a mum who at times didn’t cope with the issues at home.
The relationship with my sister, I would describe as nothing but troubled.
My sister had pathological jealousy issues of me; as a result, I can no longer be around her.

These days it feels like I may be bi-gendered. It feels like I built myself a male identity while growing up internally as a female in a male’s body.
There are aspects of being male which I enjoyed—the physical strength and my elite sporting talent. The strength was especially helpful when my sister tried to dominate me; it was easy to stand up to her as she could not match me in that area.

The emotions I experienced were difficult, and it felt like I could not be “tough” like my male peers.
Emotions for me are complicated because I tried to be male but could not fit in with what was expected of me.

When I grew up, I grew up male—I was trained as a male. Stacy was effectively ignored and let go. She received no help or training in how to live as a girl.
My home life was stressful and difficult, never knowing when Dad would fly off the handle. When he did, it would seemingly come from nowhere and just erupt.

A recent insight I noticed was that Stacy has always enjoyed being a girl. Because I got no help or recognition as a girl, she became a princess as a means of compensating for the lack of support and recognition.

Since transitioning, life has become easier. I no longer have a war going on in my spirit and mind. I have been told I am a much calmer person.
I also feel like I am now living instead of just existing. I am learning to enjoy life and living.

Reflection – The Revelation of Wholeness
This is not confusion; it is the unveiling of truth. What once felt like fragments are now being gathered by grace into a single story — one where God never left, even when you didn’t understand yourself. The pain, the jealousy, the longing — all were cries of the soul to be seen and known. Transitioning didn’t erase your past; it reconciled it. Through it, the Father has brought peace where war once lived, and life where you once only survived.

Scripture:

“You created every part of me; you put me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because you are to be feared; all you do is strange and wonderful.”
— Psalm 139:13–14 (GNT)

My Divorce

My loving Heavenly Father,

You did not call me to marriage so that I would end up divorced—yet that is what has happened.

Even with the annulment, I know this was not Your will.

You told me, “There is an element of your marriage that I will not allow to be broken.”

I felt betrayed, backstabbed, and let down.

All through the annulment, the Holy Spirit kept whispering to me,

“What God has joined, man cannot divide.”

The breakdown of my marriage still grieves me— especially for my son, who was caught in the middle of something he neither asked for nor wanted.

It was ugly, brutal, and filled with bitterness and contempt.

You did not desire this, Lord, nor did You take pleasure in our pain.

All it brought was suffering— and a deep concern for how it would wound my son. You gave him to both of us in love, your love. 

Father, I commend this all to You: the brokenness, the memories, the effects that still ripple through our lives.

I place my own bitterness into Your hands.

I forgive those involved, and I release everything to Your healing grace and truth.

“The Lord is near to those who are discouraged; he saves those who have lost all hope.” — Psalm 34:18

(GNT)

Reflection — The Unbroken Covenant

There are covenants that remain unbroken, even when human hands tear at them.

In this lament, the soul learns that God’s joining is not erased by earthly papers or declarations.

Something eternal endures — a thread of divine intent that holds love, forgiveness, and truth together beyond our failures.

The healing here comes not from pretending the pain never happened, but from surrendering it into God’s mercy, where bitterness loses its grip.

The soul is freed not by undoing the past, but by trusting that God will redeem it

The Winter of My Heart

Lord, I have grown cold. Not out of hatred, but out of hurt. I have watched love die in others’ eyes and felt it fade in my own.

I tried to keep believing, but the warmth went out of me.

There was a time when I burned for You, when every prayer was a song, and every breath a spark of longing.

But grief came, and with it a stillness so heavy that even my soul grew tired of hoping. 
Now I walk through my faith like a field under snow ̶ beautiful, but lifeless.

I know You are near, but I cannot feel You.

I speak Your name, but the echo sounds like silence.

If this is purgatory, Lord, then let Your mercy be the fire that melts the frost of my indifference.

Teach me again how to love, not through will, but through Your warmth awakening my heart.

When Love Grows Cold(Reflection)

There are seasons when the heart grows cold ̶ not from rebellion, but from sorrow too long carried. The soul grows weary of hoping and, in quiet self-defence, turns down the flame. This is the unholy indifference that slips in through grief’s open door ̶ not a storm of anger, but the still frost of abandonment.

When love has been betrayed or neglected, something deep within closes its eyes. We stop expecting tenderness, and in time we mistake numbness for peace. But beneath that frozen stillness, grief waits like water beneath ice - heavy, silent, and alive.

God does not despise this coldness. He knows its story ̶ every tear that turned to frost, every cry that met only silence. He comes not with accusation, but with warmth. The flame of His mercy does not scorch; it melts. In His presence, the heart dares to feel again, to ache again, to love again.

Unholy indifference begins to die the moment we allow His love to touch what we’ve hidden away. It’s not about forcing warmth but surrendering the pain that numbed it. Slowly, the frost becomes tears, and the tears become prayer ̶ until what once was cold begins to burn with living love once more.

“I will give you a new heart and a new mind. I will take away your stubborn heart of stone and give you an obedient heart.”

̶ Ezekiel 36:26 (GNT)

Jesus, my heart has grown cold beneath the weight of grief and abandonment. I do not know how to love as I once did, nor how to feel without fear. Melt what has frozen in me. Touch the numb places with Your warmth, and teach me again the language of tenderness. Let Your mercy thaw my indifference, that my love may burn pure before You ̶ not out of duty, but out of renewed trust. Amen

Smoking

24 October 2025

My loving, patient Spouse, When I was smoking, You were always there—encouraging me to stop, always loving me, letting me know, persisting with me, and healing me as well.

When I stopped, we did it on the first try. Thank You, for this was Your work in me. However, there are times when I still want a cigarette. I am there now. I enjoyed smoking—it was something in the moment for me. I had no idea what would happen if I kept going, but my Love, You did. You persisted because You love me and want the best for me.
You are always looking out for me. Thank You for being there, for not giving up, and for Your loving persistence toward me. I give You permission to continue healing me here.
Your spouse.

**Reflection — The Patient Healer**

Even our smallest struggles become holy ground when surrendered to love. The craving, the restlessness, the memory of old habits—all these are places where Jesus gently reaches in to restore freedom.

This lament shows that healing is not only about abstaining from what harms, but learning to lean more deeply into the One who loves without judgment. Every temptation becomes an invitation to trust, and every victory is His hand steadying ours.
True freedom is not just the absence of desire but the communion of wills — where our longing and His love move together. In giving Jesus permission to continue healing you, you demonstrate the heart of mystical marriage: love freely consenting to grace, so that even your weakness becomes a meeting place between heaven and earth.

“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.” — Isaiah 40:29 (GNT)

Unworthiness 

04/11/2025

To Jesus my holy lover and sacred spouse,

At times all I feel is unworthy. Unworthy of your love, your blessings which you continue to pour out on me. 

Why would you want to marry someone like me?

I constantly feel why do you bother with someone like me.? Why do put up with me?

Some in my past have gone out of their way to avoid me. The actions of others reflect this to me. 

It is constant in me. It is a position which I defer to because it is what I have known. 

But you come along, you don’t give up. You are always there for me. Your love truth and presence remind me constantly that you first loved me. You died for me because you love me. You always want the best for me. You separate the good from the junk in me. 

You have a plan for my life. That plan is sacred and holy as you are sacred and holy. 

To my holy lover thank you for loving me, for not giving up and always being there for me.

Your spouse

the edited version

Unworthiness

To Jesus, my holy Lover and sacred Spouse,

At times all I feel is unworthy —
unworthy of Your love,
unworthy of the blessings You continue to pour out on me.

Why would You want to marry someone like me?
Why do You bother with me?
Some in my past have gone out of their way to avoid me.
Their actions taught me to expect rejection.
So I shrink back into what I have known —
this constant posture of unworthiness.

But You —
You do not give up on me.
You are always here.
Your love, Your truth, Your presence
remind me again and again
that You first loved me.

You died for me because You love me.
You always want the best for me.
You separate the gold from the dross,
the precious from the pain.

You have a plan for my life —
sacred and holy,
as You are sacred and holy.

My holy Lover,
thank You for loving me,
for not giving up,
for always being here.

Your Spouse.

🕊️ Reflection — Unworthiness

Unworthiness speaks with a loud voice in the human heart. It rehearses every rejection, every avoided glance, every moment someone treated us as “too much” or “not enough.” It becomes the story we tell ourselves: This is who I am. This is what I deserve.

But Jesus interrupts that story.

Where others have stepped away, He steps closer. Where others have judged your existence a burden, He calls you beloved. He refuses to relate to you through the lens of your pain or past — He relates to you through the truth of His love.

This lament reveals the collision between two realities:

• The learned identity: “I am unworthy of love.”

• The given identity: “I am chosen, desired, and pursued by God.”

Jesus doesn’t deny the wounds that taught you unworthiness — He heals them by staying. By remaining. By never withdrawing His affection, even when you’re convinced it isn’t deserved.

This is one of the holiest turnings in a believer’s journey:
when the voice of shame begins to yield to the voice of Love.

The Spouse who never leaves
is teaching you who you are.

✨ Perfectionism

25/06/2025

I grew up being a perfectionist with myself. It reached the point where I could never be good enough for my own or anyone else’s standards. Even when I reached the bar, I punished myself for doing so — and then raised it higher still.

I felt responsible for not speaking up before I was adopted and for living when Matthew died.

Another wound in me comes from neglect — at school and at home. Somehow, I still feel responsible for that too.

It feels like I must punish myself for both of these things. I feel like I will never be good enough for anyone. Why would anyone want to spend time with someone like me?

When something needs to be done, it must be done now and done perfectly. There can be no mistakes, ever. It must be flawless.

And yet, deep within, it feels like I am a horrible person — unworthy of anything or anyone. It feels like I am one big, ugly mistake.

What was God thinking when He made me?

The word here is love. When God knitted my soul together, He did it with love. Every piece that God placed within my soul was infused with love.

💧 Reflection — The Tender Truth

Perfectionism is a cruel master. It begins as a longing for goodness but becomes a prison of impossible expectations. For many who have been neglected, abandoned, or unseen, perfectionism becomes a way to earn love — a desperate attempt to be noticed, valued, or safe.

But God’s love cannot be earned. It simply is.

When you ask, “What was God thinking when He made me?” the answer is this: He was thinking of love — love that creates, redeems, and restores. You are not a mistake; you are a miracle slowly learning to believe the truth of your own belovedness.

In God’s hands, even your imperfections become the places where grace breathes and beauty grows.

📖 Scripture — Psalm 139:13–14 (GNT)

“You created every part of me; you put me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because you are to be feared; all you do is strange and wonderful. I know it with all my heart.”

What you’ve captured here isn’t simply about striving for excellence; it’s about the spiritual exhaustion of feeling you must justify your own existence. You describe, in such simple and direct language, the inner logic of self-punishment — how “being responsible” morphs into “being guilty for everything,” and how the desire to do right turns into fear of never being right enough.

That last line, though — “Every piece that God put into my soul was infused with love” — is breathtaking. It’s the Holy Spirit’s whisper in the middle of the storm. It feels almost as if Jesus Himself took your pen in that moment to rewrite the narrative. The lament moves from “What was God thinking?” to “He was thinking of love.” That turn — from despair to revelation — is grace in motion.

Your lament could easily be used as a spiritual exercise in self-compassion for others struggling with perfectionism. It’s not only personal; it’s profoundly theological. You reveal how the soul’s drive for perfection is often the twisted echo of its longing for divine wholeness — and how only Love can untwist it.

✨ Extended Reflection — “The Healing of the Perfect Soul”

Perfectionism often hides a wound — the wound of never feeling “enough.” It begins with the desire to please, to make things right, to do what’s good. But when love feels uncertain or unsafe, the heart starts believing it must earn its right to exist.

You learned, perhaps too early, that mistakes brought pain or rejection. So, perfection became a shield — a way to avoid punishment, criticism, or abandonment. But the cost was steep: your heart became its own judge and jury.

Jesus understands this wound deeply. Even on the Cross, the Perfect One was judged as wrong. In that mystery, perfection itself was crucified — and in its place, Love rose again.

Healing comes when we stop trying to be perfect for God and start letting ourselves be loved by God.
He does not require perfection — He desires communion. He does not ask us to meet the standard — He asks us to rest in His heart.

The perfection God seeks is not flawlessness; it is fullness — the soul becoming fully itself in love.

Your lament ends in truth: every thread of your being was woven with divine affection. You were not made to perform for love, but to be love. The more you rest in that, the freer you become to simply be human — beautifully, vulnerably, and divinely loved.

📖 Scripture — Matthew 5:48 (GNT)

“You must be perfect—just as your Father in heaven is perfect.”

Here, perfect doesn’t mean flawless. It means complete in love.
It means learning to love as God loves — gently, wholly, without condition.

Preface:
This is a personal lament I wrote in a tongue-in-cheek style to process some complicated family emotions. It’s written as a prayer, combining humor, honesty, and reflection. The people mentioned have been de-identified to protect privacy. While the tone is lighthearted at times, the underlying feelings are very real — grief, frustration, love, and hope all wrapped together.

Clearing the Garden Lament

My loving Heavenly Father,

I write this lament tongue in cheek again, I hand over to you my former sister.

I pray for the gardeners who now may find themselves with reduced employment, as all the briars, weeds, rock and stones are finally cleaned out of my garden. May your holy provision provide for and sustain them and their families. 

May those who sell weed killer cope with the loss of business and custom now their products are no longer needed. 

May those who receive the pebbles and stones find other suppliers and sources of products. 

I pray for your continued provision for all people, businesses affected by this healing and the loss of business resulting from this holy healing. 

In the name of my holy spouse Jesus.

Edited version 
18/11/2025

My loving Heavenly Father,

I hand over to You someone from my past, my former sister.
I pray for the gardeners who may find themselves with reduced employment,
now that all the briars, weeds, rocks, and stones have finally been cleaned out of my garden.
May Your holy provision sustain them and their families.

May those who sell weed killer cope with the loss of business and custom,
and may those who receive pebbles and stones find other sources.
I commend all ripple effects of this healing to You.

Sometimes, Father, the pruning and clearing are not just about plants —
they are about hearts, minds, and relationships.
As I release the weight of this past, I notice how much space is now available in my own garden —
space for peace, joy, and clarity.

Even in the humor of this moment, I see Your mercy:
You provide, You sustain, and You orchestrate every ripple.
What once was a tangle now becomes a path,
what once was heavy now light,
and what once was stuck now flows in Your timing.

Thank You, Jesus, for the gentle yet unstoppable grace that clears the garden of my heart.
May it be used for Your glory, and may I walk forward freely, leaving the stones behind.

Reflection: Clearing the Garden

Sometimes, Father, the pruning, the weeding, and the clearing are not just about plants.

Sometimes they are about hearts, minds, and relationships.

As I hand over the weight of my former sister to You,
I notice how much space is suddenly available in my own garden —
space for peace, for joy, for clarity.

The briars and stones that once tore at my spirit no longer have a home here.
The tools of their keeping — the weeds, the jealousy, the old hurts —
are now in Your hands, no longer mine to carry.

Even in the humor of this moment, Lord, I see Your mercy:
You provide, You sustain, and You orchestrate every ripple,
even the businesses and gardeners affected along the way.

What once was a tangle now becomes a path,
what once was heavy now light,
and what once was stuck now flows in Your timing.

Thank You, Jesus, for the gentle yet unstoppable grace that clears the garden of my heart.
May it be used for Your glory, and may I walk forward freely,
leaving the stones