Scholastica Teresa
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Michael to Stacy

I was adopted as a baby. I was told my birth mother left two wishes for me. The first I be raised a Catholic and secondly around a musical instrument. 

My parents were traditional catholics. We all went to mass every Sunday, sat towards the back of the church and always wore our Sunday best. 

 

My parents tried to honour both of those wishes. With the piano I have been told I was asking engineering questions, like ‘Why does one key sound different to another?’ Dad also told me when I could, I would go down to the garage and try to undo the wheel nuts on the car. I also had a tendency to pull things apart. 

The other issue here I have always had a sense of a call to religious life.

 

I have experienced bullying at school, from my sister at home and in the work place. 

While growing up, at times I saw and felt Stacy in me. She was a girly girl and precocious. 

In the early part of my puberty while I was trying to build a male identity, I saw her step out in my mind and say, ‘Hey, what are you doing. I’m already here, Fuck off.’

 

As a child I was extremely sensitive to those around me. I grew up with an angry parent. When dad got angry it would flare up and he would fly off the handle. I was scared of my father. 

By the age of fourteen I was in the middle of my gender war. One night I heard a voice speak through my heart it said, ‘This is not why I made you.’ The voice was my Heavenly Father revealing himself to me in the middle of my struggles. This was the first time I heard him. 

I misinterpreted what that voice said and meant. Shame, fear and confusion became constant companions after this. It would be another twenty five years before I started to understand what I heard and felt that night. That voice has always stayed with me. 

 

The bullying at school and home continued. At home it was relentless and constant. 

Another issue for me at times I would go against the grain. When I was in this place, no amount of peer pressure could or would change my mind. 

 

At the age of sixteen I had my first suicide attempt. Unfortunately things were not reported and I got no help. 

After that I remember knowing I was a girl inside myself. I also had mental health issues which not getting help exacerbated. 

 

I had my conversion in year twelve. While I realised I was loved, the journey to knowing that  I was loved by God, had just started. 

 

In 1987 I joined a charismatic covenant community. Before I joined I heard Gods voice tell me I needed to tell someone about my gender issues, which I did. I was referred to a Catholic priest. What he did, did nothing to help me understand or resolve my issues. I ended up being told I needed and was then ministered deliverance.

This person was conservative, close minded and unhelpful. He had no understanding of the issues involved, and was very black and white in his approach and what he expected of me. He also believed that deliverance would somehow fix what was going on with me. Which it didn’t.

 

In 1993 I got married, nine months later I became a dad. When I saw my son I felt a connection to this person. It is something I had never experienced before. 

My wife developed serious psychotic post natal depression. We were in and out of the psych wards and ED’s at the time. 

In the early part of my marriage my wife and I were at mass. I could feel my religious vocation. I felt Jesus lift it off me this night. There was no explanation either. It was there one minute and gone the next. 

 

In 1994 I was diagnosed with ADHD. This diagnosis answered some questions.

 

In the year 2000 I had my second suicide attempt. I ended up in hospital.

After this I ended up seeing a counsellor who told my wife and I that we were both victims of satanic ritual abuse (SRA).

That went on for the next two years and ended up in a marriage breakdown.

 

It was during this period that Jesus got moving and started dealing with my spiritual past as well as my own issues. 

A significant issue for me that Jesus revealed was I had lost a twin brother in utero. This issue has had profound and serious consequences in all areas of my life. The healing here is ongoing as well. My counsellor missed this fact and proceed down the SRA road. 

 

In 2003 I started my theology degree I graduated in 2016 with my degree. It was the first thing that I finished. 

 

I walked out of the church in 2004 after an encounter with the same close minded priest I had previously been referred to.

What I know now my blessed mother Mary was praying for me. World youth day came to Sydney in 2008. I avoided everything to do with it. The grace for me here was I returned to the church. It is through Mary’s intercession for me that this happened. 

 

Jesus started healing, teaching me. He revealed two gifts he had given me namely intercession and leadership. 

With my leadership I was shown the times when I went against the grain, it was me being the leader. This was a gift I did not want, I told Jesus this. After that God the Father stepped up and took me on. In the end I owned my gift. It was an argument God showed me I was never going to win. The paradox here in losing the argument with God I actually win. 

Just before my marriage breakdown Jesus brought Fr. Don into my life, he became my spiritual director. Jesus used Fr. Don to start consolidating and building on what he had started. 

 

In October of 2010 I started transitioning. I found God understood me and what I had done. He also has a plan for my life as Stacy. 

I went through my second puberty. That lasted approximately four and a half years. After that, my call to religious life returned. This time I was able to start serious discernment of it, albeit privately. 

I have been walking the journey through my interior castle. St. Teresa of Avila, Jesus and mother Mary have all been my guides here. 

 

Jesus has continued to help me with my issues. He revealed serious neglect during my teenage years. With his help I am continuing the journey of healing and forgiving. 

 

At one point in 2023 I was publicly outed at church. It was through this incident that God told me, that my name Stacy was his name for me. 

With this revelation another puzzle piece fell into place. I now understand why I never had to choose my feminine name. Stacy is and always has been Gods name for me. This explains why I have always been Stacy

 

In July 2024 I was diagnosed with ASD level two. After that a lot more puzzle pieces of my life fell into place. 

 

In August 2024 I experienced my mystical marriage to Jesus Christ. Again mother Mary’s intercession has been invaluable. Without her prayers I doubt I would be where I am today. 

 

Today transgender issues remain difficult, misunderstood and challenging, however God understands and loves all of us with our issues and has a plan for our lives. He can and does cope, it is man who chooses not to.

Dealing with gender issues

Learning to recognise, understand and deal with gender issues when they appear.  There is no hard and fast rule here. Understanding what is going on is a critical step in coming to terms with it. This is true for all, not the one who has the issue. Support and understanding are crucial here. 

 

Learning to accept that ignorance and fear exist and that others will be ignorant and fearful. As a transgendered person I have had my own fears and ignorance issues to deal with, learn about and let go of. 

 

Getting a correct medical diagnosis can be a long, painful and slow process as well. This can be compounded by ignorance (where present) of the person or persons involved. This can include finding someone who is open to walking with me, but who can be objective as well. Building and maintaining that trust is central here. It is the basis of any relationship. 

 

Religion can be and is used as a weapon here. The rule here is they are allowed to have an opinion but I do not have to own their opinion. 

Ignorance can be perceived, actual, known, unknown, internal and external or combinations of all or some. It can come in many forms, threats, controlling behaviour and blackmail to name a couple. It can be individually or in groups. Being open or close minded as well as being informed or uninformed about the issue(s) here can make a difference to understanding as to what has and what needs to happen.  

 

Black and white thinking along with fundamentalist ideologies and rigid thinking are also part of the journey. Extremist views are in the bounds of professional ignorance•. This view believes it is ok to murder people (or undo transitions) for being different and will justify it as being okay and acceptable.

 

Part of this theology includes God makes male and female only. It completely ignores that variants exist and are allowed to happen. At times it excludes (or attempts to) them from the conversation.  

 

All this can and does influence the decision about proceeding and where and how to proceed.

 

Sometimes people here may have there own issues as well. One way this comes across here, people can be extremely rigid, demanding that I adhere to what they and only what they are saying. Using any circumstances twisted to their view to ram home their way as being the only way. 

People like this are usually in abject denial. At times they will likely never be able admit let alone understand or accept that they themselves may have an issue. 

This view is evil, wrong, fundamentalist and ungodly.

 

We can be really good at hiding our issues from ourselves. It is also delusional thinking to believe we can hide anything from Jesus. There is no darkness to dark for God, no hole or pit to deep, that his grace cannot to see into or reach down into and lift us out of.

 

Recognising that they may or may not have an issue here ultimately is their problem. Sometimes the best and only thing to do is to walk away and leave them to themselves. 

If they choose denial they are allowed to. However, I do not have to support them, this is that persons journey not mine. I am not responsible for their decisions, they are. 

Manipulation can be and at times is a weapon here. Recognising it and choosing not to take it on is critical here. When this happens it is about the other party, this is their issue. 

 

For me bringing Jesus into the conversation made an incredible difference. He did not judge me. He understood my issue. He left the decisions to me. He works with where I am at. He will never impose his will on me. He lets me know when I go to far or overstep the mark. His love for me is a constant that never changes. 

 

For me the point of no return happened when I had had enough of my internal struggle and pain. I simply now refuse to live like that any more. When I made that decision I found God was ready and waiting for me. 

 

Post transition the biggest initial issue was trusting the decision I had made. An issue with my Christianity has been legalism. My parents were from a generation where pray, pay and obey spirituality was the way that they were raised. For me this legalistic framework was not freeing. It had a tendency to feel like I had to do this, and I have to do that etc.

 

When my Heavenly Father told me to, ‘Have the courage to back the decision I had made.’ Everything began to change after that. My heavenly Father was telling me he had my back. He understood what I had done. 

 

Learning to trust the decision that has been made is critical to moving on. Even when the sheer ugliness of ignorance and denial have been shoved in my face. Knowing God has my back is why I can standup up to it. 

 

Another piece here is not to be reckless about it. Asking for help when things show signs of going wrong. Being able to recognise when my fragility needs support. Not walking my life alone. 

•footnote: Professional ignorance is a conscious choice with the mind and the will and no impediment. It is a conscious and wilful choice to be close minded and ignorant. It disregards and devalues all lives regardless of the issues that they have. This includes sex and gender diverse people. It is within the bounds of Mortal sin. 

 

 

 

This is not why I made you

When I first heard and felt God say this, I was fourteen and in my bedroom. I was in the middle of my gender war. It was intense, constant and disabling.  

My earliest memory, we were in Perth (I was four) visiting friends of my parents. At one point I was in the master bedroom. On the dresser was a curly wig on a stand. I was drawn to it and couldn’t resist putting it on. Looking back Stacy came out. This was the first time I saw her. Although I had no understanding of what or why this was happening. All I knew, Stacy couldn’t resist trying it on. 

 

The next memory I was ten and in fourth grade. A classmate was leaving. When she came in that morning her hair was curled. It was  normally straight. When I saw her, it was like I wanted that for myself. Again I now know this was Stacy being herself.  

The next memory I was in year six at school.  We were talking in class about transgender issues. What I remember is that one classmate asked the teacher how they grow breasts. The answer we were given was that they give them a needle which makes them grow.  

Looking back it is possible because of my autism I took that answer literally. My own ignorance was also in play. Not that at twelve I new anything about the issues or processes involved. From that point on the war in my mind was on. 

 

By the age of fourteen it was a fully fledged war.  I won’t go into issues with my sister here, as I have written about that elsewhere, suffice to say it made an existing situation worse. 

 

Somewhere in the middle of this God the Father spoke through my heart. I felt him speak through my heart that night. It is something that will always stay with me. He met me where I was at. While I misinterpreted what he said. I knew I had a problem. 

 

That year and the next two years were perhaps the most difficult of my life. I know my dad and my grandmother were both intercessors and regularly prayed for me. Their prayers protected me from some rather blatant spiritual attack. 

 

My suicide attempt when I was sixteen was a cry for help. Everything got on top of me. What made things worse was I got no help. 

 

The consequences of not getting help have been serious and complicated for me. Part of the healing process has involved Jesus walking me through this tumultuous period. He told me by not getting me help it amounted to neglect.  

 

Through this I have an understanding of how seriously God sees and takes parenthood. 

 

The word I felt that night has always stayed with me. It would take about another twenty five years before I came to a deeper understanding of what God was addressing that night. The way I understand that word now would be, The pain you are in is not my plan for you. I also believe God knew it would take me time to understand what he said. As I grew so did my understanding of what God was doing with me. He did not wait for me to come to him, instead he came to me. 

 

At times I wonder how I got through my teenage years. Gods faithfulness, grace, love and provision, Dad and my grandmothers  prayers, and those in heaven praying for me.

 

Due to the death of my twin brother Matthew, I have never been in touch with the pain my adoption has caused.

 

The vision I received was a road. This road started at my conception. Firstly was a large edifice/building, it represented the damage Matthew’s death caused me. Behind it was a much smaller building, this building represented my adoption. What I saw was the shadows of this edifice regarding Matthew’s death has significantly overshadowed my adoption, to the point without the Holy Spirit I would likely never be able to get in touch with it. 

 

I would categorise this as survivor guilt. Learning to forgive myself and let go has been a ongoing issues for me

 

Ignorance has been my biggest hurdle here. Firstly my own then those around me. Bullying has also has had significant impacts on me. 

 

My own issues are complicated due to the mix that was going in internally with me. My home situation was challenging and difficult. An angry parent, a pathologically jealous sister together with a mother who at times could not cope with the issues between my sister and myself.

 

Jesus told me by the time I turned thirty my trauma threshold had been breached.  

 

Transitioning helped as well. When I was told, ‘Have the courage to back the decision you have made.’ With this God told me he had my back, he understood me.  

 

Knowing I am loved as a daughter, with Jesus by my side I have never and no longer have to  look back. 

 

I was diagnosed with ASD in July 2024. My diagnosis has been a relief. It answers a lot of questions. 

 

In late 2023 things got serious with my journey through my interior castle. With Jesus’ help I stopped smoking. After that things got moving through the fifth and sixth mansions. My betrothal happen on March 24 2024. My mystical marriage on August 15 2024. The fact that this happened on the feast of Mary’s assumption is significant.  For me this would not have happened without her intercession for me.

 

After my betrothal the main issue for me, as a girl I was gay. I had previously asked Jesus how he would deal with it. He said through your mystical marriage. That happened on April 2 2024. 

I was sitting in front of my computer. Up until that point I had never experienced sexual attraction. This time I not only felt it but I felt it shift to Jesus. I have read during the preparation for the mystical marriage, the bride has her orientation shifted to her future Spouse. For me that is exactly what Jesus did. I felt this shift also. From that point on, I have eyes for Jesus only. I saw myself run to him, sit on his lap with my legs wrapped around his waist. I look lovingly into his eyes and he me. I am completely secure in him. I can be myself. I simply know he loves me. 

 

Without my mother Mary’s help and intercession this would not have been possible.

 

To my most Holy mother Mary and my most holy spouse Jesus. Thank you for loving me and not giving up on me.  

The parable of the sower

Jesus the divine gardener

 

In this parable God sows the seeds in the good soil in each of our hearts. The seeds represent the gifts, talents and good things he gives to each of us.

 

The issues we have can present as concrete, weeds, briars and rocks. These issues can and do interfere in our lives. The issues can also crossover and affect us in different ways. 

 

The concrete presents as hardness of heart. The two ways I have seen this, is as a footpath through the garden or a path to and around every plant in the garden. Secondly mixed up with the dirt as part of a footpath within garden. If one is not a Gardner, distinguishing between a plant and a weed can also be an issue. Jesus is the divine gardener here.

 

The weeds and briars do several things. Above the ground they choke the good plants.  

Below the ground the roots initially try to give the good plants a hard time establishing themselves. As they grow the goal is to try and either starve them or make them work increasingly harder for what they need. The aim here is to try and kill, stymie, stunt or inhibit them (etc) from reaching their full potential in God.

 

The rocks can be like an iceberg. An iceberg has a small part of its entire mass above the water. The rest is hidden beneath the water, where it cannot be seen. So it can be with the rocks in the garden. In reality we do not know how big these rocks may be. Only Jesus does.  

 

This analogy teaches us where God has been is where God needs to be. God planted the seeds in the good soil we all have. This is where he has been. He needs to be their to help us deal with our issues and remove the impediments present, so we can reach our full potential in God.

 

The enemy together with our issues pollute the good soil. The enemy plays in the issues we have, attempting to further pollute the good soil. God uses them to show us where he needs to be. It is only through the divine that we can be properly healed. 

 

As we allow Jesus to do and complete his work in us, he teaches us. In time we too can become an agent of healing for others on their journey. 

 

Jesus the divine Gardener knows all here, he knows what, how and when things need to be done.  I/we have to choose to let him. He knows the causes of the issues what feeds them and how they affect us. He knows what needs to be done to deal with them. 

 

Choosing to let him is a daily choice. Bringing him into the conversation here is essential for us.  

Listening to him as well is vital for our healing here. 

 

Some of the ways of dealing with the weeds are, ignoring them hoping that they will go away. Tending the weeds, basically dealing with the weeds above the ground and either ignoring the roots or simply not dealing with them. 

The next can be pulling them out. In the everyday garden this is the way it is done. In the garden of our hearts this can be catastrophic as it does not deal with the root of the issues. In the end this weed can grow back stronger and more resilient with more issues attached to it. 

Next is to use a spiritual weed killer. This is a not dealing with the issue(s) at all. It is trying to kill the issue in one’s own strength and choosing not deal with it.

Another way is to analyse the plant, constantly asking questions and never actually making a decision about what it is or how to deal with it. 

There are other ways we can deal things in our own strength. Ultimately we need to let the divine gardener Jesus in. 

 

Denial can be a part of the process here. ‘I don’t have an issue, or it isn’t as bad as it seems etc.’

This can take many forms as well. It is like saying, ‘I don’t need Jesus, I can do this myself.’ 

This is perhaps the saddest state anyone can be in. 

 

Another way is when I wound someone else through my own issues. That can have the affect of adding to the other persons issues. In this case my own issues thickened the root base for the other persons own weed(s). 

 

In this case asking them for forgiveness for my own issues and the way that has affected them can contribute to their healing as well as my own. Trusting in the divine gardener and humbling oneself before God is the way here, even if I feel I have no issue myself. 

 

When my own issues present themselves and I interact with someone, I do not know how the other party(ies) may be affected by what is going on with and inside me. Issues like this could add to what is already present in them. Only Jesus knows how things like this can affect different people. 

 

Regarding the rocks/boulders, we can ignore them, work around them. They can be on top of, partially in, or fully in the soil. Another way I was shown was to try and ‘blow’ it up. All I did here was blow a shard out of it and nearly hit myself in the process. One of the main aims here is to try to prevent us from sinking our roots into God and his love and purposes for us. Doing things in our own strength can have potential serious consequences. We do not always see these consequences coming. 

 

In all areas of our spiritual lives especially the garden of one’s own heart, Jesus is the divine gardener. He knows what is going on. Nothing escapes him. He knows what needs to be done. It is I who have to choose to let him into my heart and continue his work. Using the sacraments is also healing here. Forgiving and asking for forgiveness is essential and vital for healing.  

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