I’m transgendered and currently discerning a call to consecrated life within the Carmelite tradition.
June 3, 2025. It has been suggested that I start a blog about my transgender journey.
I have always had a sense of a call to consecrated life. Since early 2015 I have been discerning my call and seeking to go deeper with it.
July 8, 2025
In 2016 I heard God ask me to discern a name for myself. I was looking online I saw the name Scholastica and it simply stuck.
I have felt drawn to St.Teresa of Avila. Parts of her story relate to my own. At one point I was listening to an audio recording of hers on you tube. It felt like she was sitting on my bed reading it to me. In the end I chose Teresa to honor her.
The Holy Spirit made this change easy.
July 14, 2025
A Prayer for reflection
John 9:1-6
The reason for this reflection is to enter into the question why am I transgendered
Did God make me this way?
‘Who sinned me or my parents that caused me to born transgendered?’
Neither you nor your parents sinned that caused you to be born transgendered.
This was allowed to happen so that you may give glory to God.
August 3 2025
Three laments
My Gender
My Heavenly Father,
In growing up male when I am really your daughter.
What did I do wrong to deserve this? Every time I see a girl I get jealous that I cannot look like that.
Those around me seem intent on putting me into their box labelled male.
Everything in me screams and constantly cries out, ‘I am a girl’. I cannot escape these feelings or this voice. It is constant and getting louder.
My mind is a war zone such are the feelings and emotions I experience. This is something I feel I will never be able to escape from.
Everywhere I look all I see is what I feel I cannot or ever be. This feels like a torment beyond belief. It is constant it is in my very inner being. There is no living life in this place, I only exist here.
It feels like no one seems to understand the torment present or the constancy, the sheer intensity of this.
The ignorant attempt to make this journey impossible at times. I want to rise up and crush them in their ignorance, to smite them. Why do they do this? Why do they refuse to understand your love?
Why do I have to be male when I am your daughter? What did I do wrong to deserve this?
In reality nothing, it just happened.
However that is not your way. Yours is the way of love, patience, understanding, healing and forgiveness.
I thank you, that you do understand this. That I am your daughter. That you love me with all I am. That you dwell within me, with what has happened not what might or should have been.
Neglect
My loving Heavenly Father,
Thank you for when you made me you knew I was worth it, a keeper, and loveable.
However I feel let down, abandoned, alone, like it s all my fault and that I am not worth it. I feel not getting help and support was somehow my fault, that I did something wrong to deserve this.
I feel like I have to do and earn things on my own. I am so used to doing it alone and having to do things on my own. That I will never quite be good enough.
I also feel that I have gotten used to being around anger and angry people. I feel abused, threatened, let down, fearful, abandoned, and on my own. It feels like there is no one to help me, I have to do this on my own, like there is, and never will be anyone to walk with me or to help me.
The bullying, abandonment, and feeling sad. Telling myself that I am better off dead, no one will miss me. I somehow deserve this, it’s all I am good for. Some may even be glad to see me dead.
I wonder what did I do to deserve this? Why am I at fault here? Where are you in this?
I need your help, love, truth, presence and healing here. I cannot do this on my own. It is too much for me. Jesus my holy spouse I invite you into all this.
The depth of your love is unfathomable there is no bottom to it.
Then I remember what you told me, ‘When I made you, I knew you were a keeper’.
The favour, ‘The Prayer of union’ I felt those years ago, where I can be and am secure in your love for me.
I thank you that in your eyes I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am loved beyond any understanding that I can have. That I am valued and important in your eyes. That I am the apple to your eye.
Thank you that I am known to you, gifted by you. That you can and do use me to reach others. That you will never give up on me.
Father, thank you for being there for me, and for loving me as your daughter.
Bullying
My Heavenly Father,
To the bully’s in my past. What did I ever do to you? It was always about you. At times I wished I never lived. Your selfish self interested ways made my life miserable at times.
Why did you taken your issues out on me?
Why is this my problem?
You are the ones with the issues. I wish I never knew some of you.
The burdens you placed on me were at times unbearable, heavy and toxic.
It left me feeling alone, guilty abandoned like this was my fault. At times I expected to be bullied and felt like I somehow deserved it.
I’ve projected this need onto others around me.
Where was God in this for you, then and now?
You were always at my side.
Father I trust all to you. I invite you into all involved here, into all the pain, issues and lies here.
Your ways are holy, mighty, your timing is always right and holy.
August 4 2025
Laments in honor of my twin Matthew
Matthew
My Heavenly Father,
I wonder did I do anything wrong with my brother Matthew and his death in utero? Why did we not grow up together? Why did he have to die and I live? Where were you in this?
I miss him so much. It feels like a part of me is missing when he is not here. Something in me died when he died.
I feel abandoned, guilty and responsible for him not being here. I feel all alone without him. Like it’s my role in life to be abandoned, alone and solely responsible.
I feel that if I let anyone get close to me, then it’s when this will happen again. Even with you and me, there are times when I feel this.
Your love and truth however does not escape the deepest wounds for nothing is beyond you. You see and know everything
I thank you that nothing is beyond you.
Grief
My Heavenly Father,
The weight of my grief has been unbearable. My soul is crushed beneath its weight.
The burden and guilt is too much for me. Where have you been? I have felt so alone and solely responsible for this. I feel so guilty and responsible because of my brothers death. At times I wished I never existed. I feel like my existence was a mistake. Somehow this is my fault and burden alone to bear. I fear when this will happen again.
When I was bullied I feel like this was my burden and I was getting what I deserved.
I am unjust towards myself and cannot help myself in the way I treat myself over this.
I need your help to hand this over and leave it with you.
These are not your ways. You are a God of love, mercy, patience, healing and forgiveness. You have walked this road with me. You have carried me through this. I am safe, loved and known in you. Nothing escapes you my love.
Father thank you, for when I grieve you grieve with me, my loss is your loss. You know me and all I need. Your timing is always perfect.
August 5 2025
My Adoption
My Heavenly Father,
Ever since I was young I have known I was adopted. I never understood why me. Why was I adopted? Did I do something wrong to deserve this? Am I at fault here?
At times I have felt the reason it happened was because I didn’t speak up before I was conceived.
Matthews death compounded the issues here.
The words spoken to my mother were careless, ill thought out and reactive. Never about my mother or me. It feels like I was punished for existing here, when I had no say in that.
At times it has feels like I have been spoken at, and have never been spoken to. It has also felt like that I was never heard. At times never listen to either. In growing up with this, I got used to this happening.
As a result I have to justify everything I say, do and think.
It feels like I will never be heard or understood.
But you my Father, you do know, understand and love me. You know my heart and my innermost thoughts. You know what I am going to say even before I say or think it.
Your love and understanding are beyond me. Your ways are far above my own. You continue to heal me, set me free from my past.
Father thank you for loving me and being there for me.
August 12, 2025
One issue I struggle with is indifference.
Indifference
My loving Heavenly Father,
Why do you care about me? I feel no one else does. I don’t even care about myself.
I feel my existence is nothing but a gigantic mistake. I feel utterly worthless, unimportant, overlooked, not worth it, and uncared for. I feel this is my lot in life.
Why do I get to live when Matthew died?
You confront me by saying I am worth it, I am valuable. My prayers are important, valuable and necessary. You miss them when I don’t pray.
Why would you gift someone like me with the gifts that you have? Not only gift me but expect me to use them the way that you do?
You miss nothing, every detail, every thought and idea of my miserable life is known to you.
You love me more than I love my self, more than I am capable of.
Every where around me, you confront me with the truth of your love for me. I am reminded that your son died for me, because you because you first loved me.
My prayers are valuable to you, you remind me when I don’t pray. Your love is something that is beyond me. I simply don’t understand how or why you love me the way that you do.
Father, thank you for your love, presence and healing in my life. Thank you for putting up and persisting with someone like me. For not giving up when I have all but given up on my self.